This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Although crowdfunding is a great way to get an entire industry to hate Zach Braff, it’s an even better platform for consumer product pre-orders. But sometimes backers can get duped into shelling out cash for useless applications of technology, like the much-maligned beverage-sensing cup Vessyl, an item for people who can’t count their trips to the sink. So what are the best ways to avoid these expensive blunders? You should simply wait until the product is actually released and has been shipped out to consumers.
Take a look at some novel gear that actually made it down the production pipeline:
Micro Drone 3.0
Although “VR Drone” sounds like two tech buzzwords picked out of a hat, this is an actual product. See through the eyes of your drone in glorious 720p, and live out your dreams of having a detachable flying head. (Shut up. We totally weren’t the only ones that had those dreams.) This quadcopter streams 3D video to a separate headset, and can be piloted by the bundled controller or with your smartphone. Get the Micro Drone 3.0 here for 32 percent off it’s usual price — just $145.
Mous Limitless Ultra-Slim iPhone Cases
If you are a habitual phone-dropper or are just paranoid about scratching the device that controls every facet of your life, this case adds some robust protection without making it look like you’re lugging around a smart brick. Feel free to huck your phone safely down the stairs whenever you get mad, thanks to the rugged leather padding and tiny, impact-absorbing air pockets. The Mous Limitless Ultra-Slim iPhone Case is $34.99, and comes with a magnetic mount, so you can dock it on your fridge as you use both hands to desperately scrounge for food.
HUDWAY Glass Heads-Up Navigation Display
Fans of Top Gun and Microsoft Flight rejoice. Now you can add a HUD to your dash for maximum navigation awareness. This glass monitor displays speed and turn-by-turn directions from your phone, and can keep track of the road in low visibility. So if Obi-Wan ever pops into your head to babble on about targeting computers, Force-flip him the bird and keep cruising, because this baby looks dope. To simulate the rush of a 4G inverted dive opposite a MiG28 while driving to the grocery store, pick up a HUDWAY Glass Heads-Up Navigation Display for $49.95.
Bomber Barrel Duffel Bag
Whether you want to use it for high-stakes casino heists or a pleasant weekend trip, this Bomber Barrel Duffel Bag provides a weatherproof container for your luggage. This bag is made of military-grade materials, which means that you’ll have the most rugged travel bag at the corporate beach retreat. It also has some carefully designed pockets to keep your spy equipment in order while you crawl through the air ducts. Grab a Bomber Barrel Duffel for 65 percent off, just $69.99.
Bragi Dash Truly Wireless Smart Earphones
These earbuds are the perfect companion for your retro ’00s Bluetooth headset. They even come with a built-in iPod that holds 1,000 songs, so you can listen to hours of Vanessa Carlton, Ashanti, and George W. Bush’s “Axis of Evil” speech without needing a separate device. The Bragi Dash Truly Wireless Smart Earphones also monitor workout activity and offer passive noise cancelling. (Which is like active noise cancelling, but with more Zen.) You can grab a pair here for $192.
PackLite Inflatable USB Lanterns
These inflatable lanterns are the just the right kind of optimistic response to rising sea levels. If our coastline creeps up to Reno, this lantern could wind up saving your life. And on the off chance humanity gets its act together, they look rad when arranged around a pool, too. They include an onboard high-efficiency solar panel to charge during overcast conditions, and can be powered over USB. Prepare for the worst with one of these adorable PackLite Inflatable USB Lanterns, available here for $19.99.
Ticwatch 2 Active Smartwatch
The idea of having a smartwatch almost seems redundant to some people. “I have a phone right here? Why would I want to check my Candy Crush notifications on my wrist? But the Ticwatch also gives you a wrist-mounted GPS and fitness tracker that works without a smartphone. If you want a wearable that doesn’t try to hypnotize you with animated Mickey Mouse hands or bombard you with updates from Clash Of Clans, the Ticwatch 2 is in our store for $169.99 — 15 percent off the usual price.
EcoQube C Aquarium
Caring for non-mammalian pets typically involves a lot of maintenance that the guy giving away goldfish at the carnival never warned you about. But while experience with the unconditional love of dogs and the elegant indifference of cats might not prepare you for aquatic janitorial duties, you won’t need it with the EcoQube aquarium. This fish tank is designed around an aquaponic filter that keeps the water fresh with household plants like mint and basil. The lowest-maintenance pet in the world just got even more low-maintenance-er. Give your home a sustainable fish ecosystem for just $99.99.
Getting out of bed to go blindly pee in the middle of the night is a necessity sometimes. If only there was some kind of toilet night light … Oh! That’s THIS entry! Huzzah! The IllumiBowl 2.0 is motion-activated and emits a variety of glowing hues to illuminate your toilet bowl. So even if you don’t need a respite from the shame of inadequate bladder control, you can still get the most tricked-out toilet bowl around for $12.99.
TrapTap Speed Trap Indicator
Following the speed limit signs doesn’t make you some kind of road narc, but even the most dutiful of duty-bound citizens can fall for the occasional speed trap. But now you can get speed trap alerts from the TrapTap and never again worry if you’re about to be subject to law enforcement’s lowliest sting operation. The TrapTap also knows where to find school zones and red light cameras, so you can burn rubber without all the tickets. Great for diehard motorheads and Uber drivers alike, the TrapTap can be had for just $149.
Look, you can keep chasing the cheese in The Great Conspiracy that is corporate culture like a bad reenactment of American Psycho. Or you can “Bale” out of there and start your own project. Be your own boss and live life like it was MEANT to be lived. That’s the true path to Billionaire Playboy status these days.
But if the rat race is (somehow) still for you, check out Land Your Dream Job (With Help From The Cracked Dispensary).
A lecture explaining why using our imaginations, and providing for others to use theirs, is an obligation for all citizens
Its important for people to tell you what side they are on and why, and whether they might be biased. A declaration of members interests, of a sort. So, I am going to be talking to you about reading. Im going to tell you that libraries are important. Im going to suggest that reading fiction, that reading for pleasure, is one of the most important things one can do. Im going to make an impassioned plea for people to understand what libraries and librarians are, and to preserve both of these things.
And I am biased, obviously and enormously: Im an author, often an author of fiction. I write for children and for adults. For about 30 years I have been earning my living through my words, mostly by making things up and writing them down. It is obviously in my interest for people to read, for them to read fiction, for libraries and librarians to exist and help foster a love of reading and places in which reading can occur.
So Im biased as a writer. But I am much, much more biased as a reader. And I am even more biased as a British citizen.
And Im here giving this talk tonight, under the auspices of the Reading Agency: a charity whose mission is to give everyone an equal chance in life by helping people become confident and enthusiastic readers. Which supports literacy programs, and libraries and individuals and nakedly and wantonly encourages the act of reading. Because, they tell us, everything changes when we read.
And its that change, and that act of reading that Im here to talk about tonight. I want to talk about what reading does. What its good for.
I was once in New York, and I listened to a talk about the building of private prisons a huge growth industry in America. The prison industry needs to plan its future growth how many cells are they going to need? How many prisoners are there going to be, 15 years from now? And they found they could predict it very easily, using a pretty simple algorithm, based on asking what percentage of 10 and 11-year-olds couldnt read. And certainly couldnt read for pleasure.
Its not one to one: you cant say that a literate society has no criminality. But there are very real correlations.
And I think some of those correlations, the simplest, come from something very simple. Literate people read fiction.
Fiction has two uses. Firstly, its a gateway drug to reading. The drive to know what happens next, to want to turn the page, the need to keep going, even if its hard, because someones in trouble and you have to know how its all going to end thats a very real drive. And it forces you to learn new words, to think new thoughts, to keep going. To discover that reading per se is pleasurable. Once you learn that, youre on the road to reading everything. And reading is key. There were noises made briefly, a few years ago, about the idea that we were living in a post-literate world, in which the ability to make sense out of written words was somehow redundant, but those days are gone: words are more important than they ever were: we navigate the world with words, and as the world slips onto the web, we need to follow, to communicate and to comprehend what we are reading. People who cannot understand each other cannot exchange ideas, cannot communicate, and translation programs only go so far.
The simplest way to make sure that we raise literate children is to teach them to read, and to show them that reading is a pleasurable activity. And that means, at its simplest, finding books that they enjoy, giving them access to those books, and letting them read them.
I dont think there is such a thing as a bad book for children. Every now and again it becomes fashionable among some adults to point at a subset of childrens books, a genre, perhaps, or an author, and to declare them bad books, books that children should be stopped from reading. Ive seen it happen over and over; Enid Blyton was declared a bad author, so was RL Stine, so were dozens of others. Comics have been decried as fostering illiteracy.
Look, we know you all have a lot of ~feelings~ about guacamole. Like politics and religion, its a sensitive subject thats best approached with tact (or better yet, not at all. Definitely never on a first date).
But whether or not you put peas in your guac or not, there are a few non-negotiable rules to this Mexican staple.
Here are the most common things people screw up when making it, according to senior food editor (and guacamole Jedi master) Rick Martinez.
1. Using Under-, Over- or Not-Uniformly Ripe Avocados
In a perfect world, we would all be blessed with perfectly ripe avocados whenever the urge to make a batch of guac strikes. But lifes not like that, so Martinez advises planning ahead: Most grocery stores sell under-ripe avocados; buy them a couple of days in advance and let them ripen on the countertop. Theyve reached optimal ripeness when they have a little give, but arent soft or mushy. In a pinch, Martinez has made guac with under-ripe avocadoes (Just mash the [—] out of them), but thats, of course, not ideal. Additionally, never combine avocados with different levels of ripeness. The textures wont meld together, leaving you with hard little icebergs of avocado floating in a sea of mushy guac. You can do better than that.
2. Not Using Hass Avocados
When it comes to the lusciously creamy texture we associate with guacamole, there can only be one variety: Hass, the king of all avocados. Hass avocados have a richer and more concentrated flavor than other varieties, like the larger but more watery Florida avocado. Luckily, the options most commonly available in grocery stores are Hass. Theyre smaller with dark green, pebbled skin.
3. Not Cutting Out the Blemishes
A bruise or brown and mushy spot on your avocado isnt a deal-breaker (unlike mold on bread, it wont contaminate the whole thing). However, it will turn the rest of your guacamole dirty swamp green, according to Martinez. Ensure your guac stays brilliantly verdant by spending an extra 30 seconds cutting out the blemished spots.
Sir Bruce Forsyth, the veteran entertainer and presenter of many successful TV shows, has died aged 89.
The former Strictly Come Dancing host had been unwell for some time and was in hospital earlier this year after a severe chest infection.
His long career in showbusiness began when he was aged just 14.
He became Britain’s best-paid TV star, famous for hosting game shows like The Generation Game, Play Your Cards Right and The Price is Right.
- Sir Bruce’s life story
- Life in pictures
- Tributes to Sir Bruce
- Stars remember Brucie
- ‘A very special man’
He also presented BBC One’s Strictly with Tess Daly from 2004 to 2014.
A statement from his manager Ian Wilson said he died “peacefully at his home surrounded by his wife Wilnelia and all his children”.
“A couple of weeks ago, a friend visited him and asked him what he had been doing these last 18 months. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, ‘I’ve been very, very busy… being ill!'” he added.
Sir Bruce’s family thanked “the many people who have sent cards and letters to Bruce wishing him well over his long illness”, adding there would be no further comment at the moment.
Tributes have been paid by his friends and admirers in the showbusiness world. Sir Bruce’s Strictly co-host Tess Daly said she was “heartbroken”.
“From the moment we met, Bruce and I did nothing but laugh our way through a decade of working together on Strictly Come Dancing and I will never forget his generosity, his brilliant sense of humour and his drive to entertain the audiences he so loved,” she said.
Former Strictly judge Len Goodman also paid tribute, saying: “As long as I can remember there has always been Bruce on our TV.
“His work ethic, professionalism and charm will be with me forever. Bruce it was nice to see you to see you nice.”
Strictly presenter Claudia Winkleman, who replaced Sir Bruce after he left the show, tweeted that he was “the King of TV, the Prince of performers and the most generous of people… all toe-tapping twinkle, all kindness, all love….
“The Bruce you saw really was the man he was. We’ll miss him so much.”
Strictly judge Craig Revel Horwood added: “Extremely sad to hear the news of Bruce’s passing. A true legend and national treasure. He will be deeply missed but always remembered.”
Former judge Arlene Phillips said the entertainer was an “indestructible titan, tap dancing his way through life”.
She added: “Working with him on Strictly was personally a joy. His endless teasing of my judging style, particularly with strong sportsmen, was an ongoing joke.
“His enormous support after I was let go from the Strictly panel meant so much.”
Sir Bruce Forsyth 1928-2017
Longest TV career of any male entertainer
First TV performance, Come and Be Televised
Last TV performance, Strictly Children in Need Special
5 years The Bruce Forsyth Show
10 years The Generation Game
14 years Play your cards right
2 catchphrases Didn't he do well? Nice to see you, to see you nice.
In a tweet, Prime Minister Theresa May said the country had “lost a national treasure”, adding: “Like millions of others, for years I watched Sir Bruce dance, sing, joke & laugh. He will be sorely missed.”
BBC director general Lord Hall described Sir Bruce as “one of the greatest entertainers our country has ever known”.
Comedian Jimmy Tarbuck added: “He could do it all. He was magnificent and he was a great entertainer. He could dance, he was a very nice pianist, he was good at sketches, he was the greatest moaner in the world on the golf course, and he was a unique friend to me.”
Former chat show host Sir Michael Parkinson described the entertainer as “funny” and “irrepressible”.
Sir Michael also praised Sir Bruce’s ability to manage his career, saying: “He was very canny – we only know about the shows he said yes to, what we don’t know are the hundreds of ideas he said, ‘That’s not for me.’ He had the smartness – that’s the sign of a great star.”
BBC Radio 4 presenter Nicholas Parsons added that he was “devoted” to Sir Bruce.
“He had great charm, great humour – he was an all-round performer. He was one of the country’s most talented players – a great dancer, great singer and a comedian and also very good actor. The way he ran a game show was exceptional – a unique talent. He was a lovely man.”
The Beano tweeted a picture of Sir Bruce which appeared in the comic in 2008, describing him as an “entertainment legend”.
Sir Bruce had not been seen in public recently, due to ill health. He was too frail to attend the funerals of close friends Ronnie Corbett and Sir Terry Wogan last year.
In 2015, the presenter underwent keyhole surgery after suffering two aneurysms, which were discovered following a fall at his Surrey home.
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Nothing like putting down an icy cold beer. Except, of course, achieving a higher state of being and eventual transcendence of the Self through the practice of yoga.
But what if you could do both, at the same time?
Yes: Beer yoga is here. After being enjoyed by Berlin hipsters, it’s now found its way to Australian shoresa land where beer’s most definitely a religious practice, at least as much as yoga. And not in the best way.
Germany’s BierYoga A.K.A BeerYoga bills itself as the “marriage of two great lovesbeer and yoga. Both are centuries-old therapies for mind, body and soul,” according to its website.
And if you think they’re just being cute, think again.
“BeerYoga is fun but it’s no joke,” founder and yogi Jhula writes. “We take the philosophies of yoga and pair it with the pleasure of beer-drinking to reach your highest level of consciousness.”
But even Jhula wasn’t the first person to promote enlightenment through yoga under the influence of alcohol. The instructor told Ex Berliner they first saw it done at (American culture festival/desert apocalypse party shitshow) Burning Man.
But wherever it came from, it’s definitely now a thing, and a thing being marketed unironically Down Under.
Two special sessions of beer meets asana will take place in Sydney this weekend, where students can learn yoga poses involving “beer salutations” and balancing beer bottles on one’s headjust watch out for bottle smashes.
The event page assures would-be attendees that no yoga experience is necessary. Just an “open mind and a love of beer.”
And if you think that all this does nothing to curb binge-drinking and/or cheapens a legitimate and sadly oft-perverted spiritual practice, then you can just Namaste away.
BONUS: NBD, just a massive alligator out for a stroll
No one will love you until you learn to love yourself is an easy enough phrase to believe is true. But its terrifying, especially when you have depression. What if you never learn? As a teenager, it made me fear for my life as an adult. I was certain I would never be capable of being in a relationship, but I was very wrong. Honestly, I do not like myself very much, and in August of 2013, a boy fell very, very much in love with me.
I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. Ive been on and off medications, been to therapy, but its still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.
My depression doesnt care that I am in a relationship with a boy who makes me laugh, tells me Im beautiful 20 times a day, and cares more deeply for me than any other boy has. I am grateful for the nights he holds me while I cry for hours for no reason. I am thankful that he puts up with my random periods of irritability. He constantly attempts to comfort me if I am suddenly uncomfortable when were out in public. He fills me with hope for the future when I lead myself down the darkest of paths, plays with my hair when Im having trouble sleeping, and encourages me to eat when I have no appetite. He takes care of me and I never even had to explain myself. I still consciously think to myself, nine months into this relationship, Wow, someone is in love with me. I often think about how lucky I am to be loved, regardless of my flaws in chemistry.
This intense love is frightening, because every day, I fear that one more thing will push him over the edge. That one more time of me rolling over in bed, teary-eyed, for no reason, could push him away. I know it upsets him, and I reassure him through my salty, blurred vision that its not his fault. I am often overcome with guilt and I hate that my feelings about myself cause any pain on his part. Sometimes he is not easily convinced, but I try as hard as I can with the little energy I have. Some of our nights end in a tight hug and an Im sorry mumbled from my lips, but Im just thankful that he is still happy to wake up to me every morning.
Every day is a struggle. I am constantly on edge, going back and forth between caring too much and not caring at all, wondering when he will have enough. He is quick to remind me how much he loves me, but I am just as quick to be overcome with crippling doubt. We both know that this is how forever will be, and if he hasnt given up yet, Im certain that he is 100% all in.
Never let anyone tell you that you are not worth being loved if you dont love yourself. Never let anyone tell you that your mental illness is the reason why you are not in a relationship. Never let anyone tell you that you should smile more, fix your hair, or wear more color. Never let anyone makes you feel bad about what you cant always control.
Someone will be in love with you regardless of your most comfortable state, and if that happens to be curled up on the floor of your room, crying as you listen to your favorite sad songs, then you have found true love.
Read more: http://cheezburger.com/9044243200/try-cialis